The Literary Journal stands as the form of writing most in harmony with the existential path of Paul Leautaud: in his yard, according to an instinctive response to channel his despair and extend a presence in a world abhorred. Diarist for pleasure above all, by necessity perhaps, but perhaps also acts as a fidelity to his conception of literary art, not turned himself into the attractive sphere of the imagination, but engages the partial perception, to gross, its universe of life, vocational and emotional-sexual, his thoughts live without the security of a distancing. Do not fear contradiction with itself, the excessive cathartic on the other, the apparent inconsistency of a fragmented relationship, subjective and fragmented. The harmony between this copy written testimony and interviews radio leaves emerge from the bottom intentional Leautaud an involuntary modernity. The devil remains as misanthropic writer in literary history by his Journal , basically. This work, more than any other, is designed to rehabilitate, to legitimize the kind that diarist draws its appeal in what may appear at first sight, such as defective. The trembling hand that sublime musical interpretation can be found here, in literature, and offers another way than the refined imagination, structuring or early lyricism calculated. This more direct literary accuses than any other echo of its author, in his ability to be in writing. From there a fade that makes the newspaper, simultaneously, the crucible and the work. The yardstick of Leautaud, with its flights and its pettiness, its inconsistencies and its commitments, its transcendence and its daily life, offers the most humane works, that which gives itself despite its fallibility. Proximity literary, "that is not the least of the paradoxes for the recluse he was socialized.
This is probably the topic of my thesis, and synthesis of content that will appear in the relevant source file ... Sleep overtakes me, my BB was caught last few minutes. I reread this attempt to express what improvised ripening in me about this research work.
Saturday, October 5, 8:25 p.m.
Since Vernègues small town perched towards the cleansing winds, performance venue for the choir of BB, received by the meeting place of the chorus. Housed in a charming couple, the evening promises a musical eclectic, contemporary songs from the French variety or rebirth (for choir Arioso BB) to the traditional songs of Provence Lei Topin the Vintage host choir.
Afternoon the autumn sun with minor teaching duties on Monday, then plunged into the thesis Leautaud Paul, a writer at war . From
touching attentions to my 33 Spring: BB's parents mail me a box representing the wines of Winery (red, white, rosé and sparkling), Louise's sister, BB, offers me a photo album on some of the greatest French writers of the twentieth (Celine Montherlant, Duras, Prévert ...) including the guy from Fontenay.
Nothing to do, I do not feel at ease in these meetings, so I scribbled by automatic pending the commencement of musical representation.
23:50. Under the pale neon, but administratively correct, the night continues on rhythms of Provence. I delight in a position of eyewitness reluctant (and not gifted) for dancing shared. The atmosphere population at will, good-after all, rests the mind.
Passage Happy Louise, Mary and Laura, two friends of the museum, before returning to Arles night. A nice accessory to enliven the evening.
The movement of existence carries its archetypes: the eternal back of the ride can tire one that distances itself and no longer attempts to extract the best in any situation. Justify its weaknesses, mediocrity by a penchant contemptuous. No salvation for the soul chilly unable to assume its contingencies. The hermetic lyricism was always his little comic effect. The dance final brings together the hearts to a humanity so fragile and so close to the barbarous condition.
Thursday, October 10 After receiving a letter of delusional Elen, decision to respond. [ Letter reproduced below. ]
Elen,
Thank you for my crucifixion masterful: I just celebrated my 33 years! As you invite me to the end of your e-inflammatory, but so pathetic, I take the time to answer them as completely as possible.
I will include the elements of your argument inflamed:
you'll have to listen better to what they tell you that your attacks would have any chance of achieving their goal: I never said you t 'interested in men "only to satisfy [your] sexual desires! What I called you back street firsthand head But then the phone is in a position of principle that thou hast repeatedly stated when the conversation touched this area: you could consider a friendly relationship with a man who shared your love life. It is far from insulting your ramblings!
The condition that I set myself up "poor guy" is not true: I was alone on the phone when I called your relational philosophy. I have no need for you to criticize my beloved to reach orgasm! You make me catalogs still in the sex-obsessed, confusing and pathology deviant carnal indulgence.
I acknowledge my neglect to call you, but only of negligence and certainly not "hypocrisy" or "cowardice". If you want an explanation for myself and I'll summarize what I think of you (vision refined by mail that you send me crazy) I'm at your disposal. I made enough commitments and risks in my life, faced the worst for me dispense your nickname lessons of courage ... As for the gerrymandering pamphleteer, I practice both oral and written ... If you want risk, I also find availability.
On the merits, it seems odd that you reproach me that silence from your side while you did nothing for me raise (apart from the small word). I probably have a management relationship too lax, but I always say to someone who manifests. In accusing me this lack of initiative you doing out first self-criticism.
My way of maintaining a relationship with former girlfriends has so far gone well, and she decided on a case by case basis. In case your cyclothymia sickly, your depth of hatred and your relationship to man inclined me to want to be transparent about my situation sentimental. There you are again at odds with yourself: one side I would be hypocritical, the other I am moved in my desire for a relational clarity.
Proof of your inability to confess the true meaning of your actions, you establish the cause of seeing myself in ... geographical proximity! In this case gives you the comfort level of friendship, it would be more responsive to your motivation. A constant
your mail is to attack the other, to say that you're interested not in any way to him, you never felt anything, or so little that did not match any of your physical or moral tastes better hide your own shortcomings. Expensive Elen, what does that make me today that my house does not attract you ... I find that comment ridiculous and pitiful mediocrity! I deal with your confession dozens of testimonials to the antipodes, a life filled with tremendous love and today a lovely girlfriend who loves me passionately and do not take offense of my female friends ...
My attraction for you? It would be beastly perhaps, but without any existential perspective, therefore irrelevant. Again you are trying to attack me as if I had claimed the status of laughable "Heartbreaker"! Compare our lives, Let us gauge the qualities and faults of each other. I know what I am and what I am worth, on your side you seem more gifted to stigmatize the other (messy way) that to judge what you are, no doubt convinced of possessing the truth. I taught me to constantly question my beliefs.
flagrant contradiction even when you confess regret contacted me a long while hailed me in writing ... may trigger some pride in my grief! Masterly missed it then.
Your arguments peppered with ad hominem attacks wishes to the universe fantasy and hate that you've created. You have probably buried in the depths human qualities, but what comes of this writing is the spirit of revenge, depression and contemptuous of the other.
My answer will probably accentuated by your certainty of being right and being touched by anything, especially not by me (last thing I am grateful for your mental balance!), But it has at least merit to ring another bell sound that your delusions systematized.
Whatever your resentments, I wish you the best. Saturday, October 12
Pleasant Afternoon reading the thesis Byung-ok Leautaud Li on the park's head Now that autumn begins its transformation. My BB works this weekend and unfortunately could not accompany me.
A week later I still love and friendships ruined: my sweetheart, celebrating my birthday on Wednesday night, Tuesday Late Night with Eddy and Bonny in the cozy bar located at the top of the tower with a pencil-pianist-singer very nice friend Bonny, 30 night club on Friday night when I accidentally found a colleague who Forpro surprised to see me so expansive and friendly (I stay back from the savage mind by teaching staff); Saturday lunch at home with Marie-Noëlle makes us go to various countries intellectual in the evening, exit strip with Elo, Jerome and a lovely Shaina of Algerian origin, but the Indian beauty. Finally, no need to spread material to cultivate friendships: that fidelity is good for the soul and peace with mankind. Let them carefully: Elo, Bonny, Eddy, and perhaps soon Jerome, are a top leader of this happy friendship.
work calls me, but I must return to the meaning of this new life that emerges in a serene fulfilling with my BB so sweet, so understanding of my inclinations and so faithfully loving. To her I'm primarily a welfare found. Thursday, October 17
A quick and disappointing telephone interview earlier this week with Jean-Pierre M., my new supervisor. All he is telling me on my summary is too complicated to style (it certainly did "pompous"): this reminds me of my uncle Jean-Louis, discovering my poems, was too laden vocabulary, or correcting my copy of the French ferry, exasperated by a style so sophisticated! All these censors omitted just consider my great practice of writing and I have no need to design limitation of the French language: why can not I enjoy his wealth and how the use of specific words, even they are difficult to access, overnight it to my thoughts? With their economies language, how a Bloy, an Artaud, a Mallarmé could they carve their expression?
This bodes ill maybe the reports that I have this teacher, especially since the administration of the University Lyon adds another layer of inconvenience: I am now considered sixth year of contention when I resume from scratch! And no way to reason with them about color mid mid Kafkaesque absurdity of their sacrosanct inner workings. These fat ass stinking world, dammit!
Received date extandable by the carrier, a very charming attention from Shue and John, eight crystal wine glasses from Riedel brand (one of which did not survive the transport) to remind me with every sip sharing so enjoyable to Lutry foods, alcohol and Davidoff.
My schedule lightened must be exploited to advance the input data to be used in my thesis.
Tomorrow, starting with my BB to Paris for a festive weekend birthday deferred. I would have been very spoiled from all sides to these thirty-three years of existence ...
Still no publishing contract for Hash Heim promised me that within a fortnight after his appeal on 23 September. This turns the joke frankly editorial.
Saturday, October 19
At Mom and John, moved with BB, Jim and his 
friend Aurelia, a charming young woman with a very gentle pace. Yesterday discovery in Paris of Picasso-Matisse exhibition at the Grand Palais. Amusing confrontation apparently works contrary to their rules of creation, but where it uncovers affiliations. A paradox as Matisse, the bard of stroke curves, the softness of pictorial expression shocked by the meeting of certain colors and eclectic tendency of his compositions; Picasso himself, led by the taste of the breakdown, shock imaged, instills greater unity to most of his creations, and finds this bias by the true path of powerful harmony. Opposite effect to the intentional primer for each of them. One way have moments of artistic consistency that creates a dialogue between sharpened their works.
This day is dedicated to physical and emotional release to the pleasures of the table, they found a worthy home dad echo tomorrow. Serenity
of improvised hacks while mom, Aurelia and BB are busy in the kitchen, and John and Jim have gone for a secret mission. Copies removed all corrected, I will immerse myself in the pages of retrieved Literary Journal father Leautaud (Vol. XIX). Tuesday, October 22
Pleasant passage in my family. A Parmain, my mother and Jean are a couple serene and welcome us with a warm simplicity. In Rueil Malmaison, my father and Anna, with the adorable Alex and Raph, give me a kit for all lovers of fine wine and a box pusher Rapier, Gascon specialty. At thirty-three years, the pleasures of life widen and thicken without being smug ... Wednesday, October 23
As for having the last word, Elen C. I returned the mail dispatched riddled with as many answers as red as she thinks wise. Since she advises me, I will not waste my time responding, it's too pathetic. I will leave on his sense of intellectual victory, reserving a gargantuan laughter. This amused me a lot on the merits. Saturday, October 26
Vision amazing to issue single-Bedos Ardisson: singer Renaud old porridge soaked in alcohol, the verb stammering, trembling hands ... the hoodlum of the song seems to destroy itself by excess desperate. Sunday, October 27
The thesis satisfies me monopolized good this weekend, and I'm at an early stage preparations. My BB is on the deck of the backup is three days, I focused my energy on the selection of passages relevant to my thinking theses Teyssier and Byung-ok
Li A little quality time with Marie-Noelle in a local café Brotteaux. Before the break, passing by chance at the Galerie Saint-Hubert, presenting paintings by school Etampes. The keeper hosting cultural shows me the Visionaries, and in particular troop leader Di Maccio there ten years, but he likes least the recent turn of his artistic journey. Prices seem in any case have soared according to him. The two originals of the Castle Will they ever exceed the value of the building? Still nothing received
Heim.
Elo my dear friends and Bonny have arisen distance today: the first by a phone call that an update of the news personally. Her mother, admitted a few days at the backup seems to have a bowel obstruction, the old dog died Babou, Jerome had to leave his see his sick grandmother, which deprived them of each other for the holidays All Saints. Not very cheerful overview really. In an attempt to brighten up the table, and on the occasion of the twenty-first birthday on October 29, she comes to eat with us on Tuesday evening. This emotional friendship has taken a stride foreshadows a bright future of mutual trust. Bonny
sends me a text message to invite us to go to Club 30 tonight: my BB out of his later work, and me getting up early tomorrow, I regretfully declined the invitation. Again, I have a reliable, enthusiastic and with whom it is good to share moments of friendship. By contrast, a primer illusory cordial relationship with Muriel (met at the park this summer) who had no scruples to ask us a rabbit. No interest in deepening, including in writing. Meanwhile my tender
BB, a Bond from his store, the first with Pierce Brosmann to relax the studious end of day.
Tuesday, October 29
Resumption of the first volumes of JL to refresh my literary atmosphere of the early years Leautaud diarist. I have come to 1905, the year of thirty-three years, where he appears as little as I stowed's professional legal end of his collaboration with the study Lemarquis, he is looking for a regular link with provincial review, but the shadow of the Mercure de France benefits become clearer. Read there fourteen or fifteen years, I could appreciate some of its states of mind like today. His report to the woman seems ambiguous, despite the clearly defined principles.
Warned by my father's intellectual swindle a call via the Internet to deforestation in the Amazon. In fact, recover a maximum of Internet addresses for advertising pollute wild. My first membership in a dark entrance petition.
These few lines from the Tête d'Or park in late afternoon in autumn colors, the wind rising to the rhythm of the sun disappears behind the hills Lyon. Elo
party this day twenty-one spring. We do not see maybe Thursday night because of her migraines and she will resume today at Annecy probably see a specialist headache. My BB bold
short while I scribble these tiles. To each his training.
After the hostage taking in Moscow, the violence of the chemical release in order not to lose face sobering policy on the methods used against mass terrorism. Hopefully we know the truth, anyway, does not affect us reassure pouring bloody persistent humanity. Both in my relationship I am close to becoming more social and philanthropist, as the convulsions of Civilization deleterious persuade me to a final disgust for my fellow. The prism
media certainly accentuates the horror of the world, but the causes of conflict, the motivations of the killings remain as primary as millennia passed, the technical sophistication to adding a human aberration.
Thursday, October 31, 11:45 p.m.
Between two dives in the writings or Leautaud, I agree several times to capture the rest of my Journal pamphleteer, the year 2000. Shock to discover passages so desperate that I am crying on a lonely unsatisfactory marked by successive relationships without sustaining as possible. How this state of mind seems far away today. I most certainly can not satisfy my sexual appetite for discovery, but I feel a deep serenity in constructive duality. A
a loved addition it induces the structure of relationships or it can flourish. At my approach of isolation experienced difficulties was replaced by a determination opportune moment for my character between duality, popular beaches of solitude and interviews friendly control. The wounds are past me now as a token of experience to justify my comments or my seat in relation to other insurance inflamed. I think I know my limits existential, and I have no intellectual limits except that of my own intelligence. These pages provide, beyond a daily cleaner, assess and judge the contributions of past and amputations.
emotional reunion with my parents, since they have found a soul mate (thank you Anna and John) behaved in exemplary way with me, do not they worth more than the malaise experienced by flirting with the People of the North ?
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